I woke up this morning reflecting on the fact that it was just about two years ago that I stopped pursuing a doctorate in political science at the University of Florida, packed up my bags, left Gainesville once and for all and moved back to Jacksonville. I had to count backwards in time, not believing that it had merely been two years, yet sure enough it was only August 2006 when I took my first job in the field of design and web and it was only a few months before that when I moved back. I intend to use this space to detail some of these reflections. Though I realize the personal nature of this is in conflict with the guideline I set for what is appropriate in this space, due to the fact that few will ever read this combined with a growing need for some cathartic outlet, I’m willing to make exceptions

Two Years Ago

Two years ago I was still in the doctorate program with maybe two classes to go until my coursework was completed. I would have taken my comprehensive exams the following year and began the 2- 4 year process of writing my dissertation. My focus and interests had shifted away from the traditional subjects and my own declared focuses of the European Union and Comparative Politics to more abstract subjects and computational methods such as computer simulations of voting behavior, agent-based models, and the idea that humans interacting in computer simulations could create massive databases that could be mined for precise and quantitative information on aspects of human behavior that is otherwise not easily measured. The faculty at UF lacked the skill set to assist me in these areas which made me feel very alone in my research.

Two years ago I was in a rut. Not long before then I had broke up with the girl I was living with. She moved out immediately and unexpectedly, leaving me with bills I could barely pay. It was not the time of the year in Gainesville that anyone needed a place. After a couple months I put out a classified ad and took the first person to respond. My new roommate was an ex-felon on work release who, never living in Gainesville, decided to settle in there because through work release he was working at a BBQ place in town. He was a large ignorant redneck who was maybe a little over 30 who used the apartment as a love nest for him and his barely legal black, preacher-daughter (not embellishment) girlfriend - it was awkward.

Around this time I got a six-week old kitty who I never properly named (Mister Kitty), my motor scooter got stolen, and I visited my parents in Jacksonville and found the environment much preferable to the one I was living in Gainesville.

The Last Two Years: Jacksonville

In the last two years I’ve driven more than I have in the 25 that preceded it, seen my parents more than I had since I left for college in 1998, and lost both my grandmothers.

I’ve rediscovered my love of water, the ocean in particular, switched from loving the cold and hating the heat to loving the heat and hating the cold, discovered that I like sweating in the summer heat, purchased a road bike, and rode to St. Augustine and back. I’ve been a health nut at times and I’ve been self-destructive at others.

I’ve lost so much knowledge - large bodies of knowledge: political theory, international relations, understanding of feudal and absolutist Europe - specific knowledge: history of Poland, France, details of the European Union, fluency with graduate level statistics. I’ve stopped creating new music but taken up learning new songs on the piano again.

I’ve also gained a lot of knowledge in the fields of graphic design, computer programming, and business. Also learned that that last comma is an Oxford comma because of the Vampire Weekend song. Out with the old, only so much storage space upstairs.

I’ve gotten my first real job, made my first real money, had to dress professionally on a regular basis and work normal business hours for the first time in my life. I’ve discovered that most business owners don’t understand their own business and owe their success more to salesmanship than competency and that most customers have a difficult go at discerning the two.

I’ve turned down a six-figure salary, managed employees and projects, developed and instituted processes in the companies where I’ve worked. I’ve conducted dozens of interviews and hired a handful of people, and brought people with me to new companies.

I’ve started my own business, experienced the terror of a paycheck that isn’t guaranteed and the elation of signing new business. I’ve learned and experienced more of sales than I’ve ever desired and discovered that I’m good at talking to clients and prospects.

I’ve experienced the joy of randomly coming across something I had designed and the pain of being unable to produce good work due to everything from lack of time, budget, bad clients, personal slumps, and inexperience. I’ve second-guessed my abilities as a designer constantly and from time to time been extraordinarily confident in those same abilities.

I’ve rediscovered Jacksonville. Growing up near the intercoastal with an eye east I never really experienced downtown, Riverside, San Marco, etc. I’ve gotten more involved in local organizations and more interested in the community a city is able to produce. I’ve attended more sporting events (Jaguars and Suns Games) than any other time in my life and I’ve learned to like college football and even Gator basketball. I’ve made a lot of new friends and made good friends of old acquaintances.

I’ve fallen in love twice. I’ve lived in an amazing loft apartment in downtown Jacksonville for a year and did so with a beautiful girl and my kitty for the better part of it. And I’ve been left twice by those same women. Two of my ex-girlfriends have had children and I attended the wedding of my high school girlfriend.

I’ve found my two-year old cat dead for no apparent reason and experienced the loneliness that can only be experienced by the contrast of a period of time when I was anything but alone. I’ve become much less open minded about religion but much more spiritual.

And I’ve felt older. I feel as though I’ve aged much more than merely two years since moving here. I’ve experienced long periods of malaise, depression, and loneliness spiked by incredible yet fleeting moments of joy and happiness.

And as a biography, there is no climax and no conclusion; nothing that I can wrap up and put in the appropriate cubby holes of my life, put behind me, and move on.